From the Diaries of Sir Shash, September19__
I had last seen Madeline and her pet gorilla, Roderick Spode, at the Whale Rider Inn, where she had played no insignificant part in the capture of a dangerous criminal. Madeline, as my friend Bertie maintains, and I agree with him, is the personification of soppiness. With her everything is a sign from the fairy folk. She delighted in her metaphors and her similes, her poems and her haikus. Now, I am all for a girl being soft, poetic and sentimental. Madeline was undeniably pretty too, which perhaps explained why otherwise sensible young men occasionally lost all command of their faculties. However, sometimes rain is merely water falling from the clouds instead of being the tears of the astral beings. And just sometimes, a butterfly is, just as the saying goes, a butterfly and not a winged messenger of the pixie nobility. Also, the presence of Spode within a twenty feet radius of wherever she was made normal conversation difficult, if not impossible. Spode suffered from inveterate jealousy and possessiveness except when Madeline called off her relationship with him, which was quite often. During such intervals, he assumed the air of a martyr and went about being aggressively chivalrous to everyone within reach.
Harold and I said ‘Hello Madeline’ almost at the same time.
Madeline gave us all a smile and a wave and looked to her left to say ‘Hullo Bertie, Hullo Roberta.’
I knew Bobbie. Once she had spotted Madeline, there was never the slightest possibility that she would stay away. Bobbie began.
‘Oh, sweet Madeline, how nice to see you on this happy occasion of Angela’s birthday. That girl is the luckiest. Blessed by the angels are they whose friends stand with them on occasions both happy and sad. Scented is the air around them from the warmth of wishes, both good and fair.’
I nudged Bertie. He gave me a helpless stare.
Madeline replied, ‘Roberta, you seem to echo the sentiments of my own heart. I shall never again believe Honoria’s insinuations about your frivolity. Why, you see with depth, you communicate with sensitivity, your speech is measured and your thoughts touching! I shall be happy to call upon you as my own sister. I know, Bertie never completely got over me but now that he has you, who is in every way worthy, I trust that my visits to your happy little nest will carry no discomfort.’
Bobbie nodded several times. I knew that particular nod. She replied, ‘For a moment there, I felt I was being carried away by a gentle wind of elegant eloquence. How do you express your thoughts so? Perhaps, it is a poet’s soul that lives on the tip of your tongue.’
‘How quaint!’ said Madeline.
‘Crikey,’ said Harold and went off into a spasm of coughing. He took off to some distance and Bertie went to check on him looking concerned. I looked down into the grass and focused on remaining composed.
Madeline looked confused by Harold’s coughing. Stiffy came running to see what was going on.
Honoria stormed in.
‘Ah Madeline, done chatting with the beauty chorus? Oh, hello there Stiffy! How do you maintain that figure? Do you even eat? Sir Shash, I assume you may wish to chat with some of your Drones boys instead of just the girls. One of them has captured Gussie’s lizard. Bobbie, Angela needs you. I am sure it is to choose between a silver and a platinum tiara. Come with me Madeline. By the way, have you read Florence’s latest book?’
I stood there with my mouth open for a few seconds. Bobbie used her right hand to shut it. Stiffy said, ‘What’s with Honoria? She is even more competitive than usual.’
Bobbie replied, ‘Honoria is in midseason form, young Stiffy. She has already won a sack race this morning and is brimming with more than her usual energy. We will need luck on our side. Come.’
They walked off arm in arm and I made my way to where Bertie, Harold, Gussie and Tuppy had convened. Jeeves was handing out drinks. Gussie’s lizard was now firmly perched on Tuppy’s shoulder who had located it.
‘Mr. Bingo seems to like it there, Tuppy,’ said Gussie.
‘You named your lizard after Old Bingo?’ asked Bertie, aghast.
‘Well, it was either Bingo or Pongo. They played a game of darts to settle it. Bingo won.’
‘Dash it,’ said Bertie, ‘Bingo and Pongo fought a battle of darts to see who gets a lizard named after them? Did you hear this Jeeves?’
‘Yes, Sir, it is unusual but not for either Mr. Little or Mr. Twistleton.’
‘I see that you agree that they are both first rate lunatics.’
‘Merely broadminded Sir. It takes a certain humility to be willing to share a name with a reptile.’
‘Humility, what?’
‘Yes, Sir.’
‘I thought I had heard it all.’
‘Life brings new anecdotes every morning Sir.’
‘Quite right, Jeeves!’
‘Yes, Sir.’
Roderick Spode who was probably being ignored by everyone barged in to our little gathering.
‘What is that?’ he asked pointing at the green and brown lizard, comfortably nestling on Tuppy’s shoulder.
‘It is a lizard, Spode,’ said Gussie, ‘Look away, you might frighten it.’
‘What? Mr Fink-Bottle, or whatever your name is, don’t you get fresh with me.’
‘I am not; you are a giant. Erm…a gentle giant I mean,’ said Gussie.
Spode looked at Harold. Harold looked at Spode.
‘I carry no hard feelings Reverend Pinker.’
‘Neither do I for knocking you out.’
‘I have practiced since then.’
‘I see, perhaps you would like to test your skill again?’
‘It is Lady Angela’s birthday.’
‘We could go lakeside; no one will see us.’
‘Let me get back to you.’
‘Please do.’
Spode walked away to pester someone else. Tuppy said, ‘Oh no.’
I noticed the reason why. All of us gasped. The lizard that had been on Tuppy’s shoulder had now leapt onto Spode’s jacket.
‘That thick skinned Gorilla has not felt it yet,’ observed Gussie.
‘Do you want to wager on how soon he notices it?’ asked Tuppy.
‘A fiver that is in the next five minutes,’ said Bertie.
‘More than five minutes,’ said Gussie and Tuppy both.
I was to observe. Harold refused to be a gambling man. He was a Reverend.
From the Diaries of Sir Shash, September19__
I followed Spode, encouraged by the Drones fatheads. Gussie’s lizard clung to his jacket but had not climbed upwards. Spode marched as Spode often did, five feet in every single step toward where Lord Tom Travers, Sir Roderick Glossop, Lady Dahlia Travers and Lady Agatha were engaged in deep conversation.
Bonzo Travers who had vanished since receiving three of the juiciest with the newspaper from his sister Lady Angela that morning was standing with Oswald Glossop, Honoria’s younger brother. Bertie has always held that compared to Oswald Glossop, Bonzo is a but a cherub. For some reason Bartholomew, Stiffy’s dog was now in Oswald’s arms.
My sixth sense, and I delude myself into thinking that it exists, now told me that this scene would spiral into something of magnitude.
I glanced backwards. Bertie, Harold, Gussie were following me in anticipation. Jeeves who was with us a few moments ago had somehow materialized already several feet ahead and was handing over cheese and pineapple sticks to everyone. Seppings, Aunt Dahlia’s butler had also walked in with a tray of wine glasses and was offering a glass to all and sundry.
My right eye spotted Lady Angela, Emerald Stoker, Bobbie Wickham and Stiffy Byng trying out a dance step. My left eye spotted Honoria and Madeline spotting the lizard on Spode’s back. It was now climbing. Slowly.
The lizard’s peripheral vision spotted Bartholomew. That enthusiastic dog spotted the green and brown reptile. It jumped from Oswald’s hands and sprinted at full speed launching itself at Spode. Spode turned around in complete surprise, midstride. I have it on good authority that it is never a good idea to turn midstride. At that moment, the lizard launched itself out of harm’s way on to Lady Agatha’s face. Spode having lost his balance during considerable momentum went back several steps and fell rear first on that famed neurologist, Sir Roderick Glossop.
Bertie has described Aunt Agatha as someone who eats broken bottles for breakfast, wears barbed wire and conducts human sacrifices by the light of the full moon. Well, I don’t have an idea of the exact extent of exaggeration in Bertie’s description. However, at that moment the vision of a full moon did flash in my head as Lady Agatha let out a yell that can be described as blood curdling. She then ran around flailing her arms and sent glasses of wine and the aperitifs went flying. She grabbed Lord Travers by the lapels and stared screaming ‘No, help, help, no, no, no.’ Sir Roderick Glossop, in the meanwhile was flat on his back on the lawn and Spode was sitting on him, dazed and in no hurry to move. He realized that an imbalanced Lord Travers and Lady Agatha were now headed in his direction. He did not move in time. In no time at all, he held both of them in his lap while still sitting on Sir Roderick Glossop, who I suspect had reevaluated all of life’s choices by now.
The lizard took off once more, Bartholomew in pursuit. Bonzo and Oswald gave squeals of joy and set off after both. Gussie took off after them, no doubt to save Mr. Bingo, his lizard from Bartholomew.
I turned around. Bertie Wooster, my dear friend, had broken out into a celebratory jig having won the bet.
Harold and Tuppy were arguing on whether five minutes had passed.
Aunt Dahlia was sitting on a chair, being fanned rapidly by Anatole.
Bobbie and Angela were helping Aunt Agatha and Lord Travers up.
Aunt Agatha was clearly in shock. Jeeves was quickly fixing her a restorative.
Lord Travers was saying, ‘I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.’ Seppings was moving him to a chair.
I noticed that Sir Roderick Glossop, was for some reason, doing a commando crawl and was moving away from the lawn towards the safety of some bushes. Tuppy now ran to help him.
Spode had been helped up by Honoria and Madeline and now I heard Madeline say, ‘It was Gussie Fink-Nottle’s lizard.’ Spode who had turned pink, now turned red and set off in the general direction pointed out to him by Honoria.
‘Harold, Bertie, Shash’ shouted Emerald Stoker who like me had realized that Spode could break Gussie in half without intending to.
‘Why did you do that?’ I asked Honoria. She was taken aback and was about to say something. I shook my head and set off myself. In a second, I found Harold and Bertie sprinting beside me.
Did I mention that Brinkley had a smallish lake? Well, it was to this lake that the lizard had run to. It had jumped into a mossy corner and had vanished from sight. Bartholomew, now clearly tired, was chasing his own tail and then for some reason started chasing Bonzo and Oswald. The trio disappeared into the shrubbery even as we reached the scene of the lizard’s disappearance.
Spode was already holding Gussie high in the air.
Gussie was saying, ‘Mr. Bingo did not mean it Roderick, he really did not. He is new to Brinkley Court. I say, you should not be holding me this high, it is unsafe.’
Spode replied, ‘You little newt loving trouble maker, I know you and your little friends. Always stirring up trouble. You have embarrassed the wrong person, you worm.’
‘Let go of him Spode,’ said Bertie.
‘Let go of Gussie, Spode,’ said I.
‘Oi Spode, let go of him,’ said Harold.
Spode turned around and dropped Gussie. Gussie got up immediately, looked at us and said, ‘Thanks boys, I must find Mr. Bingo’ and went off again running the boundary of the lake.
Spode stood there silent, eyeing the three of us. An eight-foot silverback with a moustache. The wind blew as if on cue. It was strong.
‘The three of you. And one of me,’ he said mockingly.
‘Pick one,’ said Bertie.
‘You Wooster, you first,’ said Spode.
‘Not him,’ said I.
‘You then, or will you chicken out?’ said Spode.
‘Are you sure, Spode?’ I asked.
‘What in God’s good name are you boys thinking?’ It was Bobbie. With Emerald and Stiffy in tow. She turned to me and said, ‘Shash? Really?’
‘Well, he started it,’ I said.
‘What are you, fourteen?’
I stayed silent. There is a time to stay silent.
‘And you Bertie?’
‘Well, I did not start it,’ he said.
‘You are starting it now,’ said the redheaded one.
Bertie stayed silent. He too knew that there is a time to stay silent.
‘Pardon me, Lady Wickham, Miss Emerald, Miss Stiffy,’ said Spode and walked off in a huff. He shot us a glance that said, ‘This is not over.’
Emerald joined a desperate Gussie in his search for Mr. Bingo. Something told me that Mr. Bingo would now be a resident of Brinkley Court’s immense grounds.
Stiffy had started kissing Harold saying, ‘My brave man!’
Bertie and I walked back with Bobbie.
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