Date – November 19____
My dear Shash,
I take it that San Francisco is treating you rather splendidly and why should it not? You are visiting La familia and you should make most of your time there eating the splendid cooking and taking in the sights of a grand metropolis in the making. Do convey my warmest regards to your parents and your sister.
Now, Bobbie has legged it to Paris in the company of Angela and Pauline and woe betide anyone who interrupts their shopping sprees or whatever it is that those three get up to. I believe Aunt Dahlia is secretly supervising the whole escapade as she has dragged Uncle Tom and Bonzo with her and headed to the Riviera. Uncle Tom cannot stand being away from Brinkley for very long and I can only imagine him getting redder by the hour but also not being able to get in a word. Also, Bonzo may upset the right people and Uncle Tom may be hoping that they all get deported back to Worcestershire. However, Bobbie’s brief two-sentence letter made it clear that Bonzo is in love with the manageress at the hotel they are staying in and is on his best behaviour. This has infuriated Uncle Tom even more.
Mornings are barmy as usual. However, there was a mildly amusing incident with Jeeves. The other day, the man was actually looking at the empty chair to my right at the breakfast table in a wistful sort of manner and I caught him doing it. He tried to hide it by faking a cough. However, he forgot that he was dealing with a master reader of body language. Indeed, we Woosters have always been remarkably sound judges of the human countenance. Give one of us a facial twitch, a frown here, a glare there and we can generally deduce something from it.
I was brutally candid. I wanted him to feel the sting. He has pretended to be the master of his own emotions for far too long.
‘Jeeves,’ I said ‘Missing Bobbie?’
‘Not really, Sir, I know that she is enjoying herself to the fullest.’
‘Missing Sir Shash?’
‘Not really, Sir.’
‘Come off the high horse, Jeeves. Admit it?’
‘Admit what, Sir?’
‘That you are missing them.’
‘I was merely glancing at a speck of dust on the chair, Sir. I believe it was not cleaned satisfactorily.’
‘Hah’
‘Sir?’
‘Hah, I said, Jeeves, Hah.’
‘Sir.’
I realized the man was going to give me nothing. I was about to let loose something pithy and fitting when the doorbell rang. Jeeves was rather quick to answer it. To my great surprise, it was Lady Florence Craye.
Now, I can handle a great deal of trouble after breakfast as you are well aware. Bertie Wooster after breakfast has the thinking of a fox, the speed of a horse and energy of a camel. However, I had not yet completed breakfast and the sight of Lady Florence Craye made me lose control of my physical self for a moment and I sort of jumped out of my chair and was making a run to the bedroom.
‘Bertie, are you trying to run to the bedroom for some reason?’ she asked.
It is difficult to imagine an answer to such a question. I held my nerve and calmly replied, ‘Florence, not really, I was simply so happy to see, I was moving quickly to greet you, to shake your hand.’
‘Bertie, you impossibly awkward boy, you still feel shy when you see me don’t you?’
I was unable to come up with an appropriate reply for a few seconds and so she added, ‘Well, we cannot have everything in life. You have settled for Roberta. However, I am not here to see you, I am here to confer with Jeeves. I hope that I may borrow him for a personal consultation.’
‘Oh yes, absolutely yes,’ I replied.
I was secretly pleased to push the man into a long conversation with Florence and I was about to escape to the Drones when she spoke.
‘Oh, it is just distressing for me to say this. I need Jeeves to help me win Stilton back. He has broken up with me claiming that I was stifling him.’
‘He has?’
I realized that my jaw had dropped. You see even by the standards of these barmy mornings, this was too much. Stilton, the old cabbage, must have finally seen that constant self-improvement under the able and constant guidance of Florence was not conducive to human happiness.
Florence spoke, sharply this time.
‘Don’t interrupt me, Bertie.’
‘Right Ho!’
‘Things were going well. I had asked him to read The Pilgrim’s Progress and Vanity Fair over the weekend. He had promised me that he would do more reading of worthy literature that actually improves his mind instead of looking at pictures of those silly actresses in those frivolous magazines. Yesterday evening, while walking on London Bridge, I was gently questioning his understanding of didactic allegory in certain passages from The Pilgrim’s Progress when he suddenly started speaking in a loud voice. He said he had not read it, that he would not read it and that he wanted to call off our engagement saying that I was too controlling and then he ran away. At great speed.’
At this point, she looked to be on the verge of weeping and there was nothing for me to do but offer a handkerchief. Jeeves rushed to offer her some brandy. Fortified, she repeated her request for Jeeves’s intervention.
After some time, she left and I asked Jeeves to summarize what it was that we had just experienced.
Jeeves looked puzzled.
Then he replied, ‘A most baffling situation, Sir, Mr. Stilton Cheesewright is known to be most possessive of Lady Craye. It is he who has initiated the courtship and if memory serves me right, he had begun memorizing passages from Tolstoy to impress her Ladyship.’
‘Good Heavens, passages from Tolstoy?’
‘Yes, Sir.’
‘Those two deserve each other, Jeeves. Find a solution.’
‘I shall endeavour to, Sir.’
The man then floated away to make his inquiries.
I did not see Jeeves until late in the evening. I had lunched with young Emerald Stoker at the Ritz. She has been feeling very bored of late. I have told her to stick to London for a few days and revive her spirits. I am glad she has taken up a rather nice suite. Her husband, Gussie won’t like the expense she is incurring but it serves that newt loving fathead just right. He is currently away to the Faroe Islands where a new species of lizard has been discovered. That reminds me, do meet her sister Pauline and old Chuffy if you can travel to the East Coast of that gigantic country.
Where was I? Yes, I was on Jeeves when I took a narrative detour. Jeeves came back to the apartment fairly late and I asked him if his investigations had yielded any results. He had some surprising information to give me. I was left shaking my head and in need of a restorative. It seems Jeeves decided to enlist the help of Oofy Prosser, the resident millionaire at the Drones Club and old Harold ‘Stinker’ Pinker, our reverend of choice who is currently visiting London with his wife Stiffy. I really must have them over for dinner soon. I wonder if Stiffy is making progress in her efforts to become a normal human being now that she is married to the Reverend Pinker.
I digressed again. It must be the fish and chips I indulged in today at a little outlet. A little underwhelming, the whole platter, lacking the usual bit of crispness. Either that or they cooked an unhappy fish. Once you are back, we must visit the Rock and Sole Plaice. You will agree, my dear chap, that it offers some of the best fish and chips and consistently. Bobbie says I am going to gain a lot of weight but she underestimates my ability to lose weight through the tap dancing. You know, how I can tap dance. The Wooster trait of the classical tap dance is woefully underrated. You can always learn the basics; the flair, I am afraid, must be inherited. I wonder if Darwin thought of these little nuances when he proposed his ideas.
I am afraid, I had forgotten all about Jeeves. Somehow, the man managed to convince Oofy and Harold into a scheme. Oofy sat down with Stilton at the Drones and plied him with one drink after another. Stilton has never been abrasive towards Oofy given that Oofy is obscenely rich and Stilton respects him. Between drinks, Oofy casually introduced Florence into the conversation and kept mentioning her latest work till Stilton had started babbling incoherently.
Then, Oofy took him to Harold who was in full clerical attire at a local church. Stilton, drunk out of his already negligible mind, confessed that he was in love with Miss Greta Garbo with her honey blonde hair and her trademark mysteriousness. He confessed that he had seen a moving picture with Miss Garbo as the lead more than seven times. Seven! Then, he begged Harold for absolution and then promptly fell asleep in the church.
Jeeves concluded that it was the fixation with Miss Garbo’s look and her melancholic reticence in particular that had turned him completely hostile to Lady Florence Craye’s constant desire to instruct and instruct loudly and demandingly. The man uttered that he had a possible solution and I pressed him no more since I had to attend Pongo Twistleton’s party.
One became involved in a succession of refreshments, conversations and perfectly harmless festivities, with the result that I woke up the next day late in the afternoon. My head was still heavy till Jeeves gave me that magnificent concoction of his that cures any hangover in a matter of a minute or two. Once, I was in full command of my considerable faculties, I asked Jeeves to get me a plate of fried eggs and some toast with plenty of butter and jam on the side. I had worked up an appetite. I have observed from past experience that a good man is often interrupted during a late afternoon lunch.
The doorbell rang again. It was Florence. She was beaming from ear to ear. She looked different somehow. I was not sure of exactly what it was. She looked stunning, that I shall admit. She has always been willowy and handsome, with her platinum blonde hair and her striking hazel eyes. One knows why perfectly sensible men have always been willing to do things for her despite her incessant need to improve your intellect and moral character.
‘Bertie,’ she began, ‘how shall I begin to thank Jeeves? He stands alone; he is a wonder.’
‘Eh, what?’ said I.
‘You goof, are you hungover? No? Listen, Stilton and I are engaged again. At lunch, he asked for forgiveness and pleaded with me to take him back.’
‘What? How? Where?’
I realized that I was mostly able to say single words for some reason. Jeeves’s cure was working but slower than usual.
‘Thank you, Jeeves,’ she quipped, handed him a packet of money and ran off. He tried to refuse it but with Florence, refusals have as much chance of working as Stilton becoming anything other than a blot and a cabbage head.
I turned to the man, my mouth open in admiration.
‘How did you pull a rabbit out of your hat, Jeeves? I say, you must be at the peak of your faculties, Jeeves. Consider me fairly staggered!’
‘Sir, it was merely a matter of the psychology of Mr Stilton.’
‘The what now?’
‘Psychology, Sir.’
‘Right Ho,’ I said not following.
‘Sir, you must have noticed Lady Craye’s appearance. She has always been a rather striking woman, Sir.’
‘Yes.’
‘A bone structure similar to Miss Garbo.’
‘Good Lord, you mean…?’
‘It was simply a matter of styling her hair a bit and choosing a wardrobe that reminded Mr. Cheesewright of his beloved actress.’
‘Good Heavens!’
‘Yes, Sir. I advised that Lady Craye visit a stylist. Lady Craye is tall, elegant and can pull expressions of melancholic aloofness. She went one step further and watched the moving picture to understand the mannerisms of the star.’
‘Yes, go on!’
‘Earlier this morning, I had Mr. Oofy Prosser take Mr. Cheesewright to the Ritz. In the dining room, Lady Craye was already present with her new look. Mr. Cheesewright was unable to believe his eyes. At that moment, a man came up to her and asked her name quite boldly. A few seconds later, Mr Cheesewright went over to her ladyship and shoved the man away. The man was a friend of mine from the Junior Ganymede club and he took off. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Cheesewright was seen offering compliments. He chided himself repeatedly and claimed that he had been engaged to England’s very own Miss Greta Garbo and he had failed to appreciate what he had. Shortly thereafter, he proposed and Lady Craye accepted with detached coldness.’
I had nothing to say.
The man had solved an issue within a day of it being presented to him.
I simply said, ‘You are extraordinary Jeeves.’
‘Thank you, Sir, Lady Craye will not disturb you for a while.’
I have narrated the story exactly as it happened. I am still in disbelief. I suppose you would have enjoyed watching Jeeves at full capacity. The man is one of a kind.
I also suppose Jeeves would enjoy watching you dig into a hearty meal at the apartment table.
Come back soon.
Yours Truly,
Bertie Wooster.
THE END.
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