IV
Outside the inn, it was suddenly beginning to get windy. Inside, an energetic fire was blazing in the stone fireplace, comforting and hot. The young man and woman from the woods were now comfortably seated in large chairs. Brandy had already been poured out and kept in front of them. The couple looked quite confused but grateful and relieved. The girl seemed to have taken to Rosie who now sat next to her. Their names were Josef Potocki and Svetlana Boginskaya. Josef could communicate in English comfortably. There was a palpable air of excitement amidst the people present at the inn. The elderly proprietors Sally and Gwendolyn had asked their cook to get a hot meal prepared for both. They were now standing in the room staring at this foreign couple. The maids, Gladys and Mary, stood listening in the corridor despite having been asked to return to the kitchen to help the cook. Josef was speaking.
‘I thank you all for your hospitality and kindness. We were being chased through the woods by three or four men. We thought we had already given them the slip at Staveley station, but we were wrong. They never stopped chasing, no.’
‘Who are these men, Josef?’ asked Harold.
‘They could be my father’s men. I am not sure. I think so.’
‘And why would they chase you?’
‘My father, he does not approve of my love for Svetlana. She too is nobility but he does not care. I am supposed to be married to the daughter of one of his friends back in Vilnius after I completed my education in England. I cannot marry anyone else. I love Svetlana.’
Josef took a sip of brandy and squeezed the hand of Svetlana. She looked at him and smiled softly.
‘Oh, it is the oldest story in the world,’ sighed Madeline. She went over to the girl and patted her on the back.
‘Are you from one of the Polish royal families, Josef?’ asked Shash.
‘Nobility yes, royalty no.’
‘This is England,’ said Bertie. ‘As long as you are here, no one can make you do anything you don’t want. You are free to get married. They won’t be allowed to break the law.’
‘I don’t want them to harm Svetlana in any way.’
Everyone looked at her. She was a startling beauty. Her face had almost an ethereal quality to it. Her eyes seemed to shine. Svetlana grew self-conscious and looked down, almost shyly.
‘They may be the most good-looking people I have ever seen,’ whispered Bobbie to Stiffy and Emerald.
‘Where are you headed?’ asked Harold.
‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know?’ said Bingo suddenly, ‘you are just on the run without an idea of where you are going? No family or friends here? Where were you planning to hide?’
‘We just took the first train we could and then we realized they had taken the same. They were waiting for us just outside our favourite bakery in Oxford. We gave them the slip. We changed trains. They tracked us down.’
‘Do you have any money left?’ asked Bingo again.
‘I just have some notes in this wallet,’ said Josef and pulled out a black wallet from his trousers. He continued, ‘If you help us, I can get more. I can, I promise.’
‘We don’t need your money,’ said Harold, ‘we will get you help from the police; they will know what to do.’
‘Dash it,’ said Bingo, ‘I doubt the local constabulary could do anything even if they wanted to.’ He turned to Sally and Gwendolyn. ‘Do we have constables in the area?’
‘Yes, two of them over in Ambleside, Davies and Gooch, bright young men, but they don’t really have any experience in serious matters, Mr Little, you see this is a peaceful place. Nothing ever happens here,’ replied Sally.
‘Right, I thought as much,’ said Bingo.
‘That settles it. We take them to London. We get in touch with the police and senior magistrates,’ said Bertie.
‘Erm, Bertie,’ said Gussie, ‘I don’t think we will be going anywhere just as yet. Come and see.’
Everyone went to the window where Gussie and Tuppy were standing. Outside, some distance away from the inn, stood five men in front of a Morris truck. Leaves were blowing all around them as the wind was picking up speed.
Rosie and Madeline gasped visibly. Bingo put a reassuring hand on Rosie’s shoulder. Emerald went and stood closer to Gussie.
Svetlana saw the men and broke out in a smattering of panicked Russian.
‘Oh, well, nothing is ever easy, is it?’ said Angela, who had been silent for a while. ‘I am taking Svetlana to my room. Tuppy, take Josef to yours. Let us think of a plan. Do you have a functional telephone, Miss Sally?’
‘Yes,’ said Sally. ‘Come, Gwen, let us place a call to Constable Davies. He will know what to do.’
‘Miss Wood,’ said Bobbie Wickham, looking at Sally ‘I shall drive to the police station at Ambleside with Stiffy here. Would you write out the directions?’
‘I will accompany you both,’ said Bingo Little.
‘Where is Jeeves?’ said Bertie, frantically. He suddenly paused and stared at the scene outside. ‘What are they doing?’
Walking toward the five men standing in front of the truck were Sir Shash and Harold Pinker.
V
‘Yes, gentlemen, can we help you?’ asked Harold, his voice calm. The man who appeared to be in charge was tall and bulky — almost six and a half feet, it seemed to Shash.
He lifted a finger to hold his associate back and said, flatly:
‘The boy, the girl, you hand over, yes. We go.’
‘How about this,’ replied Harold, ‘all of you gents go away and we do not call the constabulary. This is a respectable institution, and there are many guests in it, all of them likely to complain to the police about this behaviour — whatever this is. That will be a serious charge against all of you. You are not English, are you? Do you really wish to trouble Englishmen and Englishwomen in England?’
‘No trouble with English. No trouble. You shelter two runaways. Yes? No matter of yours. Yes? They return to their country. With us. We are family. Their family. Yes? We take them. No trouble to you. You hand over. Okay? You understand? We are peaceful here. If you kidnap them, we are not peaceful. No one here. We go inside. You won’t like. Okay?’
‘How will you go inside?’ asked Shash.
The man looked at Shash and smirked.
‘Are you servant here? You wear the suit. Are you servant here? You speak for your master?’
Shash smiled. ‘Errand boy — you know what an errand boy is? Do you understand the language? Yes? Errand boy, take your little friends and get out of here.’
Harold Pinker, champion rugby player at Magdalen and the best boxer in that college’s history, looked at Shash. His five-foot-nine friend would stand no chance against the men who stood there. He stared at Shash’s face and felt an uncomfortable sensation of a very different sort. Harold would discuss the look he saw with Stiffy later that night.
‘I enjoy this,’ said the tall man. ‘I enjoy breaking you and your master.’
He began to walk forward when a loud, clear voice cried out, ‘Cease in the name of the law! Cease now.’
Jeeves had appeared on the scene in an overcoat and hat, flashing something in his hand that looked like a policeman’s identification card.
‘What is all this?’ began Jeeves, in a pompous voice. ‘I am Superintendent Battle of Scotland Yard. Am I right in my assumption that threats have been made? Identify yourself, please.’ He whipped out a notebook and looked straight at Harold and Shash.
Harold understood. He raised his palms in a gesture of supplication and said, ‘Inspector, I am Harold Pinker, vicar at Hockley-cum-Meston. I am here on holiday with friends. This is my friend Sir Shash, a knighted gentleman and a well-known aristocrat. We mean no harm, Inspector — we are as confused as you about the presence of these men here.’
Jeeves made a sound between a deep sigh and a groan. ‘I will need to see your identification, gentlemen. Please go inside and find any documents that can identify you. My peace has been greatly disturbed. Here I thought I had finally earned a holiday from Scotland Yard, but it is not to be.’
He turned now to the five men standing in front of the truck.
‘Gents, who are you? Please show me your identification. What is your business here? Where are you from?’
The men looked at each other. There was clearly some confusion on their faces. A few brief words were exchanged, and then the leader turned to speak to Jeeves.
‘May I see your identification, sir? Are you really a policeman?’
‘What in the name of Her Majesty? You dare ask me to identify myself? Very well — it seems I must make a telephone call, and we will have some of the lads down here from Ambleside,’ retorted Jeeves.
Inside the inn, Bertie Wooster, Tuppy Glossop, and Gussie Fink-Nottle looked at each other. No one quite knew what to say. Bertie noticed that the sky had darkened considerably.
Miss Sally Wood and Miss Gwendolyn Wood had now stepped out, Madeline Bassett with them.
‘Superintendent Battle,’ they said jointly, ‘what is the matter, sir? Is there any trouble here?’
Jeeves looked at them and said, ‘Nothing — kindly proceed. I am merely having a word with these men. Please do me the favour of placing a telephone call to the Ambleside police station.’
Now Bobbie Wickham, Stiffy Byng and Bingo Little arrived. Bingo announced loudly, ‘We are heading to the police station. Lady Roberta Wickham plans to file a very strong report.’ They began walking towards one of the parked cars.
The men began to murmur among themselves again. The tall man said, ‘You will not go. We will stop you.’ He gestured to two of his men, who began to walk towards where Bingo, Bobbie and Stiffy stood.
Shash said to the tall man, in a guttural voice, ‘You touch her. You touch her and I will end you all.’ His voice made the men pause for a second.
Bertie, Gussie and Tuppy had run out now and were standing in front of Bobbie, Stiffy and Bingo.
There was a roar of a motor vehicle. A Mazzaro-Ashley came screeching to a halt, seemingly out of nowhere, and stopped in front of where the truck stood parked. A tall, slender driver alighted and walked towards the unpleasant scene with unnatural alacrity. The grey clouds broke and began pouring. Lightning flashed, and moments later thunder clapped. The tall man looked at the new arrival with annoyance, but coiled in fear when the tree behind him exploded, struck by lightning.
‘Dashed lucky,’ said the new arrival, with what sounded like a pleasant chuckle. ‘Thank my lucky stars — that could have been me.’
Bobbie Wickham looked at him for a second and recognized him. She wondered why, every time she saw Mr. Harley Quin, it was like seeing him for the first time.
Miss Gwendolyn Wood turned to stare at her sister. Sally stood open-mouthed, saying, ‘Jack — Jack Dawson, is that you?’
‘Sally, Sally, my dear, get a hold of yourself. This young gentleman here is obviously seeking accommodation. He is not Jack Dawson. Sally, what’s come over you?’ said Gwendolyn, with some concern.
‘I am sorry, I am sorry — what? I don’t know what came over me, Gwen,’ replied Sally. ‘I am… I am not feeling well, I think. I shall go and lie down.’ She went inside.
‘Forgive me, Madam,’ said Mr. Quin, approaching Gwendolyn. ‘I did not mean to come without advance notice. I was merely passing through, and the weather made me reconsider my travel plans. I felt most uneasy, and I thought I would make enquiries about accommodation.’
‘I am sorry, Mr… Mr…’
‘Quin. Harley Quin.’
‘We have a full house, Mr. Quin, but we cannot turn you back in inclement weather. I will see if I can make arrangements in the attic, if you do not mind.’
‘I don’t mind at all. I will be here only for a few hours.’
‘In that case, let me check. I am sorry — we seem to have an unpleasant situation developing here. It has been a most extraordinary day. I will arrange something.’
Miss Gwendolyn went inside. Mr. Quin turned around and walked to where Shash and Harold were standing. He nodded briefly at Bobbie, Stiffy and Bertie.
‘I know him!’ exclaimed Stiffy. ‘Harold and I met him under the most extraordinary circumstances near Steyning, when our car broke down. We were in a pickle.’
‘I think I have seen him before too, Stiffy,’ said Bertie. ‘Was it at the Whale Rider Inn? He sure recognized me. And Bobbie.’
‘Bertie, his name is Harley Quin. I know him,’ said Bobbie. ‘He is a strange man. Things seem to happen when he is around.’
Harold addressed Harley Quin directly. ‘We met in Steyning, Mr. Quin. You remember, don’t you?’
‘Yes, I do, Reverend Pinker. Sir Shash, how nice to see you again.’
‘You are never too far away from the action, are you, Mr. Quin?’ said Shash.
‘Action is not my cup of tea, my friend. Love is.’
The five men who had laid siege to the inn seemed to be in a stupor. They snapped out of it. The rain had drenched them badly.
Mr. Quin spoke. ‘W Ambleside znajduje się punkt medyczny. W tym deszczu się rozchorujesz. Proszę, odejdź. Śmierć, podobnie jak miłość, jest nieprzewidywalna.‘
‘We go back, we come back,’ said the tall man. He and his companions jumped into the Morris truck and drove away.
‘Jeeves — I mean, Superintendent Battle — what on earth did the fellow say?’ asked Bertie.
‘My Polish is lacking, Sir. Whatever he said seems to have worked.’
Mr. Quin turned around to look at Bertie and smiled. He said, ‘I merely made a request for them to leave. I told them there was a dispensary in Ambleside. I told them they would fall sick getting soaked in the rain. And just to emphasize the seriousness of my request, I told them that things like death and love are unpredictable. I was surprised they obliged. Looked like a thorny lot, those five. I am glad to see the last of them.’
‘Remarkably persuasive, Sir,’ said Bertie. ‘I tip an invisible hat at you.’
‘And I to you and your friends, Sir — you all seemed to be standing undaunted in what looked like a difficult encounter,’ said Mr. Quin, smiling. He turned to Jeeves and added, ‘Especially you, Sir. I think you have always had a genuine flair for the theatrical.’
‘Do you know me, sir? Have we met before?’ asked Jeeves, with watchful politeness.
‘I don’t think so,’ said Mr. Quin, and then added suddenly, ‘Oh, I feel famished. I do hope there is something to eat.’
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